1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
