I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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