I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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