You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
