She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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