Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
