Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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