The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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