The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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