You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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