Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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