Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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