so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
