I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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