I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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