Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
