I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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