First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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