Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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