maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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