Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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