So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
