I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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