I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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