My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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