i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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