help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
