my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
