Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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