my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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