so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
