Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
