I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
