It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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