it hurts more in the daytime
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
