I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
