Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize