I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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