I CAN MOONWALK!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
