just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
