I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
