I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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