New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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