im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize