Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
