I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
