Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
