someone threw a dead crab at me
My cat gives me a boner
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
