i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
