2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
