i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
