I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
