I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's shark week go big or go home
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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