I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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