He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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