this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
